The thing that stands out most to me about the MGHA is acceptance.  Yes, I’ve found a new sport that I absolutely adore; and, yes, I’ve made new friends; but the thing that feels (sadly) unique to this bundle of 150+ beautiful, amazing, loving people, tucked away in an inconspicuous town in the Midwest, is the acceptance that we all grace upon each other.  For lots of people, that acceptance is a beacon as it relates to their sexuality or gender orientation, but for me that hasn’t been the most significant aspect.

            My parents were the hardest to come out to, and it didn’t go well, but it was almost a non-issue for me that they didn’t really understand what it meant that I was gay (“No, like… I’m sexually attracted to men…..”).  I kind of expected it, given their educated-but-not-empathetic view of many other things. The bigger issues with them and others in my family and life has been the lack of empathy and understanding relating to my other deviations from their expectations: my disinterest in children, a job that pays as much as possible, my own car and home, and my anomalous values that I hold above those.  These issues still plague our relationship and make it an earnest struggle to feel respected and loved. But there are those unrefined or inextricable parts of me that are good, bad, different, odd, refreshing, or unsavory for polite company, and yet my MGHA family loves me as I am, sometimes because of and sometimes despite.

            And it’s not just that we’re a smattering of more progressive, young and young-at-heart individuals.  Plenty of my progressive and young peers have constricted world views and assign value to me based on my choices and lack of choices that they would have made.  The MGHA is more than just open-minded. I think it comes from the layers and layers of acceptance that build on each other. We begin with knowing we fit and fill all the beautiful parts of queer (and allies), and we accept each other.  And then there’s also varying levels of hockey ability, including people like me who came in as a wobbly-ass baby giraffe just hoping to not break bones on falls one through four hundred, and we accept each other. And we come from various backgrounds and currentgrounds and futuregrounds, and we accept each other.  And the more we differ, the more we accept each other, and that acceptance is built on and reinforces such a solid foundation that people are comfortable being earnest, complete, fierce embodiments of themselves. You read about it in tons of these essays – how people only felt comfortable with something about themselves or about sharing it within this league, or maybe starting with this league – and it’s one of the most amazing things that this league can help so many people come to accept themselves, to help them realize they deserve to accept themselves and be accepted by others too.

            I’m a very cynical person, and I struggle with seeing the good and not drowning in the bad, but the MGHA has given me acceptance and love and support and, annoyingly, an example of something I can’t be cynical about.  The MGHA means, to me, acceptance. I guess hockey’s pretty neat, too.

Every year, the MGHA does these essays and I’ve had the opportunity to read quite a few of them over my three years with the organization. This year, after being tagged by someone in the league, I’ve chosen to write one myself. Now, this probably isn’t the typical ‘What Gay Hockey Means to Me’ essay that you’re used to seeing. This is more of a look back at my experience in this league both in how it has shaped me and how (I hope) I’ve been a positive influence on those around me.

Let’s start a bit with my background. I grew up in southwest Pennsylvania in a rural town where people love their guns and everything that isn’t good is, well, ‘gay’. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great people, but there are also some very closed-minded folks who have never ventured outside of their little bubble. I moved to Madison in 2011 and when I moved here, I had my own little bubble around me, too. I didn’t know much about gay culture and I surely didn’t know any trans folks or even know gender-queer was a thing. Like the commenters on a bad Facebook post, I thought the genitalia you had defined you. I was naive and uneducated about gender identity and sexual orientation.

As for me, I didn’t really know I was gay until a few years ago. It took a good friend to get me to really think about things and connect the dots. When I did, it was quite a relief. I honestly can say that it felt like a weight had lifted. I know it sounds cliché, but I remember feeling it. I had known about the MGHA and decided to sign up.

Unlike so many who write these essays, hockey wasn’t new to me. I started playing as a senior in high school. I worked at an ice arena for six years, too, during high school and college. I had played adult league and was playing with a local group here in Madison. I had experience. I wasn’t the best player, but I could certainly hold my own. I came into the league not knowing what to expect from a gay hockey league.

My first team was incredibly welcoming. I was still trying to get my bearings in this unique inclusive league. It was a different experience for sure, but I quickly realized that success in this league wasn’t measured in goals or wins, but instead it was measured in how well you play with others, your encouragement of the team, and even interactions with the other team. I learned that the MGHA aligns well with my demeanor and style of play. I decided to stick around and even signed up to be on the board for my second and third years in the league.

One of my favorite aspects of this league is the inclusive play. I love the encouragement and the idea that everybody deserves to play. If a lesser-skilled player gets the puck, we let them hold onto it for a little while to get more comfortable. If somebody accidentally knocks somebody down, we ask them if they’re alright and sometimes even help them up. For me, this is huge. Some advanced players may come into the league and struggle with the concept of not taking the puck end-to-end and I admit that I certainly have moments where I want to do just that. For me, though, part of the challenge and fun of this league is improving my other skills while helping hone the skills of the other players. The MGHA lets me work on my leadership abilities while letting me help and encourage those who have less experience. It lets me offer pointers. It gives me the opportunity to instill confidence in people who, due to a plethora of reasons, don’t have that confidence. A little bit of confidence goes a long way, sometimes.

If you remember, I brought a bubble with me from southwestern PA. That bubble shielded me from people who were different. For me, gay hockey taught me that there’s a whole lot more to this world than what’s inside that little bubble. Before I joined the league, I hadn’t really known anyone who was trans or gender-queer. I think I was honestly a little uncomfortable. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know anything about it. It was just foreign to me and foreign things can be scary. I write this showing vulnerability and hoping that this doesn’t make me a bad person. This league, though, has introduced me to a whole new world (go ahead, sing the song from Aladdin… I’ll wait). I know that I’m a much more accepting and open person because of this league. I also know that I’m always learning. I know that if I don’t understand something, I can ask. This league has given me a space to grow and has helped me expand my worldview.

Most of the time, these essays tell the tales of people who haven’t felt welcome in organized sports or haven’t been comfortable in team settings because of who they are and the love and acceptance they find in the MGHA. I love that this league fosters those moments. It fills my heart to have so many people share success stories of feeling welcomed and loved when they play with our group. My story is a bit different, but the outcome is similar. Gay hockey has given me a place to help the people I just mentioned. It’s given me a way to give back and foster confidence and inclusion. At the same time, it’s given me a place to learn how to be more inclusive. I’m sure I still have a bubble. I think we all do. What I do know, however, is that my little bubble that I brought with me from southwestern PA is now a much bigger bubble thanks to the MGHA and the people in the league.

There are two significant periods in my life; before the MGHA and after the MGHA. You might be thinking that I’m over exaggerating a tad, but I assure you that I am not! In truth, my seasonal depression winter hibernation world was flipped upside down 2 years ago when my lovely partner in life and crime, Ames Barker (you might have heard of them), introduced me to hockey and the Madison Gay Hockey Association.

At 30, I did not anticipate learning an entirely new sport. I had some confidence in my ability to stay upright on skates thanks to years of rollerblading, but I had no idea what the fundamentals of hockey were and I, of course, was anxiety- filled by the idea of learning all the hockey skills all at once. Oh, my goodness, with my gear on, I could barely function much less use a stick to poke a puck around on ICE! But then, I attended my first meeting and my anxiety levels dropped significantly. Everyone was incredibly friendly and inclusive. For the first time, I knew what it felt like to play on a league where all folx were welcome; no matter where they fell on the gender or sexuality spectrums, if they had 20 years of hockey experience or never put on a pair of skates. In that first meeting, they made it clear what the MGHA was about and how important it is to honor pronouns and shed assumptions. Let me be clear, I have been a part of several organizations in my life, athletics included, and I have never met an organization so open and willing to help out its new players and support everyone from various backgrounds.

Finally, I had something to look forward to on Sundays during the winter! I knew a handful of people when I joined the league and now I can say that I am incredibly blessed to add dozens more to the list. I had the privilege of not only being a mentor to a wonderful hockey new-comer this past season, but I also got to try my hand at being a co-captain at the 2018 MGHA Classics. I have to admit, I was incredibly shocked that I was even asked to fill either one of these roles. I have rarely been comfortable in leadership roles and I usually fill the spot of “supportive teammate.” However, the confidence that the Board Members instilled in me by asking me to mentor and lead has empowered me to apply for membership and to get more involved in the league; ready, happy, and willing to give back all that they have given to me!

I am so excited to have found my niche and core group of amazing friends and chosen family. I don’t know what I would do without the support of all of you. At every opportunity, I try to spread the word about the MGHA and incorporate the core values and inclusivity in my other social and work endeavors. Overall, I have grown as a person and I continue to learn how to improve my hockey skills, build up my self-esteem and overall worth by giving back to the league. I am looking forward to what the next adventure with the MGHA might be!

I’ll be honest, initially it was 95% about the hockey. I started skating at 22 with the UW Comp Sci group (thanks, David Parter) and loved it. Soon afterwards, I left Madison, joined a “beginner’s non-checking” league, and came to think that hockey wasn’t for me after all. Keeping score and standings makes it just aggressive enough that it wasn’t fun.

Thankfully, I returned to Madison and joined assorted fun pick-up groups over the years. Hockey was fun once more, I avoided leagues, and decided that a life goal should be to play hockey, in some capacity, until I’m 70.

MGHA needed another goalie, and multiple friends recommended that I ask to join. I had enough friends and hockey contemporaries in the league and playing in the Classic that I suspected it would be my kind of hockey fun, and I was accepted for the ‘17-18 season. On the hockey side of things, it was more than I could have hoped for. The whole league is set up to be one giant collection of league-mates first, teammates second. It was extremely beginner-friendly, so I could be useful in helping noobs (I’ve experienced beginner-friendly groups turn more advanced, and that always comes with a sense of loss), just as I was helped. Games were quite intense for me, but the pressure was just internal – it was OK for me to laugh at my own mistakes, and it was wonderful to have like-minded teammates looking to extract fun from hockey. Hockey-wise, MGHA was already a great fit for me. Would recommend, could end story here.

What I did not expect is how much more MGHA would be on an interpersonal level. It’s difficult to put into words, but there’s an inherent closeness to the group that took me by surprise, caught me up in it, and humbled me to be accepted. One day, in casual conversation, a couple of out stories were shared. That’s when it struck me. Straight folk don’t tend to hear such experiences unless it’s someone close or extroverted. I immediately felt a stronger friendship for having been shared with, but it also illustrated the divide to me. These are major life moments, so why wouldn’t I have heard more from other friends and family over the years? That’s when I began to appreciate the “where you can be yourself” facet of the MGHA way, and started to comprehend how much more meaningful it can be, beyond just a great place to play hockey.

Frankly, it bothers me that the world needs more acceptance and suppresses anyone from being themselves. Society should be better. But that’s the world we live in. If I can learn and grow personally, and share my positive experiences to improve this situation a bit, I’ll leave the world a tad better for my kids, who will hopefully continue that attitude.

So, I revise a previous life goal. I would like to play hockey, in some capacity, with the MGHA until I’m 70.

If you poke around the MGHA website, you’ll find that the only requirement to join the league is willingness to be nice to LGBT+ people. An interest in hockey is good to have, but not strictly necessary. So, I signed up. I had no interest in playing hockey, but I knew how to be polite. Actually, I had zero interest in playing any competitive team sports. It seemed silly to me to get worked up about a game when the difference between winning and losing is kind of arbitrary and almost entirely out of my control. After the first few games, when people would ask me if I enjoyed the game, I would always say “yes,” but in the back of my mind I would think “Hmmm, did I really enjoy game?”

But by middle of the season things started to change. I’d be on the bench watching James or Bob or whoever was on the ice playing right wing and think to myself, would they just please get the fuck off the ice already, so I can go out and take my turn?

The big switch came from learning a whole bunch of new things, including

1. boatloads of practical information about hockey

2. It’s really OK to take the puck, even if I’m not going to do anything smart with it when I get it.

3. To play well and have fun, I need to focus on what I do when the puck comes to my part of the rink. I don’t need to care about winning and losing.

I learned these lessons after weeks of nice, supportive, encouraging talk on the bench and in the locker room. The MGHA isn’t joking when they say you need to be a nice person to play. So, thank you to my teammates and the MGHA for showing me that competitive sports can be fun.

Go Blunicorns! Sparkle hard!

Gay hockey to me is not just a sport to play, but a family who cares for each other. A family who’s excited with you and there for you when you’re down. Mentors to guide you not only in hockey, but in life. A safe place to discover and become yourself. Yes of course I love to play hockey and that’s the main objective of the MGHA, but it is so much more than a sport to play.

A family, or as I call them a pack means that it’s members will always be there to support and defend each other to survive and thrive. When a member is down and out the MGHA reaches out to support its members in any way possible. It’s helping you by supporting your business or listening to your recommendation on another. From taking you out to lunch to be an ear to helping you pick out your gear to ensure proper fit and safety.

I don’t know how to play hockey is not an excuse to the MGHA. They will teach you, seriously and help you get better too! My first season I fell all the time. In fact, there’s a move called the “Alpha Tornado” because I fell so much. My assigned mentor and teammates with experience all encouraged the crap out of me every step of the way. I have more mentors now and not only in hockey, but to help me thrive in life. I have and will face many changes with this league by my side.

Over the past 5 years playing with the MGHA I have discovered not only that I might be a little bit athletic, but I have some good leadership skills I’m discovering and beginning to use. This past season I got to be a co-captain and it required me to be responsible for more than just my own gear each week. Although I made a few mistakes along the way, my team and this league made me feel like I was doing a wonderful job as a co-captain. There are so many examples I could give to show what gay hockey means to me.

In the end if you’re reading this you’re probably wondering why you should play. You are probably also wondering if you can play? Trust me, I still fall all the time and I have so much fun. Please come play with me and the rest of the MGHA. We’ll become the pack you never had or knew you needed.

I have tried to write and rewrite this. What MGHA hockey means to me is a very real acceptance, encouragement, support and a caring community that I have never experienced before. Ever. Really, I mean it! It has been absolutely amazing and I have grown as an individual that I never thought possible without the support and encouragement of everyone I’ve met through MGHA. I hope everyone can see it beaming through my grin every time I’m at the rink and on the ice!

I came out as trans over 15 years ago and before that I struggled with understanding and accepting my self identity. Prior transitioning I have been the butt end of lifelong intense bullying besides being raised by ultra conservative & religious parents whom continuously write me out of their life. Severe social anxiety and depression have always been my companion because of this. Just how I survived my teen years is still a mystery to me and I almost didn’t, I will always bear the scars of survival. My saving grace may have been my naturally introverted self, happy to wander the world on my own and finding solace in nature all around me. But it has also been my burden to carry all those hurtful years and not shed those harmful layers of myself. It has held me back from living a full and beautiful life that we all are capable of, that includes feeling that I could safely participate in team sports and interact as a social being.

As a trans individual, nothing about team sports screamed safety. The locker rooms alone were a terrifying experience that I still have nightmares about, so I tended to avoid most sports activities despite my interest. I played briefly in HS softball only to be kicked off due to depression at the time and again picked it up later in life, but I never really felt I fit in with the all women team I was on.

That said, I had also never even watched a full game of hockey, let alone play. Yet, I immediately fell in love with the game after a friend invited me to watch her play, thank you Michelle, I am eternally grateful!! Sitting in the bleachers I felt a camaraderie on the ice that I never was able to experience before. Plus the sounds of hockey were amazing! Skates on ice, puck hitting sticks and goalie pads, players whizzing by, it all lulled me in before I even knew what hit me.

As soon as I signed up, I was welcomed to a community that not only promoted, but actively engaged with members in a healthy and caring manner. From teaching how to be inclusive amongst ourselves, to watching experienced players encouraging and teaching the new members that were learning how to skate from scratch. Never have I ever experienced such compassion from a diverse community like ours. I dare say that after the first day orientation, I went home and cried. Cried from relief and realization that this is truly a safe space and I really did feel this was home.

After my first game, which I couldn’t stop smiling the entire time, hockey became a metaphor in the rest of my life. If you fall, and yes you are going to fall ever so ungracefully, then just get back up and play on. No one ever ridiculed the fall, but instead will cheer your effort. Miss the puck, try again and again. Sooner or later it will connect and damn, it feels good! Going through a tough divorce and struggling with finding a community it was perfect timing and just what I needed.

Out on the ice, I was nervous beyond belief, but somehow I managed to stick with it, keep showing up to try again and I actually started to listen to the encouragement of my teammates. No one in my life really told me that I was good enough or supported me through the tough moments. To hear fellow teammates cheer me on was nothing I was prepared for and I loved seeing how we all progressed as players, by simply enjoying playing hockey together every Sunday night.

I realized how much we all can accomplish through supporting each other, showing that no matter where you came from we all matter to the team and community. My first season was full of personal triumphs and I’m truly thankful for all of my teammates helping make it an amazing hockey experience. This is what true community is, and it resides right here with the MGHA.

One year after signing up and six months after starting my transition I got an email, addressed to my pre-transition name, asking if I was still interested in playing in the MGHA. And part of me panicked. Is the league weird about trans players? Do they recruit a requisite number of men vs women? How do I get changed in a locker room full of strangers?

But I decided to reply and at least see what happened. “I am still interested in playing. Just a heads up, I’ve started transitioning. I go by Samuel now, and am on testosterone. I don’t know if that impacts anything, but figured I should let you know.”

Shortly thereafter I received an email. “Congratulations Samuel! I’ve updated our spreadsheet to reflect your name. Our league was created to specifically support you and the rest of our community, so I’m hoping you’ll join us this fall 🙂 We’re just beginning to ramp up our new player program for people interested in joining.” It was one of the most relieving feelings. There were no questions, only support and enthusiasm.

That first season with the MGHA was tumultuous. I had never been on skates before, I was woefully out of shape, and my personal life was something of a mess. I tried to be helpful and involved both on and off the ice, but was feeling like I was holding everyone else back. Nevertheless, I stuck with it, mostly because I still didn’t have very many friends in Madison and having something to do was better than nothing.

And then my second season came around. And I was asked to be a mentor for new players. We were at one of the first new player orientations, sitting in the grass outside of Hartmeyer doing an ice breaker that definitely pushed more people out of their comfort zones than a standard ice breaker would. I was talking to a new player, lamenting many of the struggles I’d been having with my family since coming out as trans; without missing a beat she said “That’s okay, I can be your family, if you want.” And that’s when it really hit me. It isn’t really about the hockey. It’s about finding the community you need and the hockey is an added benefit.

I fell in love with hockey in college. I was in the marching band for a university that has no football team. Hockey is our biggest sport, and we take it seriously. The upperclassmen taught the rookies all the traditions. What songs we played, what cheers we did, what all the rules meant.

Finally our home opener came. It was electric, and I was hooked right away. The fast pace, the skill, the athleticism, I soaked it all in. Per tradition, the first song the band plays is a bullfighter’s theme. After the final note, the entire band and student section yells “Olé!” Much to my surprise, the student section continued yelling:

“Perricone, you’re gay!”

What? I didn’t really process what had happened. I asked the senior next to me to confirm what I thought I heard. He confirmed, with a chuckle and a grin, that we call the other team’s goalie gay to try to throw him off his game. This took me completely by surprise. The fans of the sport that I love were using homosexuality to make fun of the opposing goalie. And I, a closeted gay eighteen year old, stood there and listened to them do it. Every home game. I could count on one hand the number of people that knew I was gay, and my courage to expand that number vanished.

As quickly as I had learned to love hockey, I learned that the world of men’s hockey is not a welcoming one for people like me. Luckily for me, my college also has a top-tier women’s hockey program. Here the homophobic cheers were nowhere to be found, and the lack of fighting and machismo meant that I got to see more of what I really love, fast-paced and skilled hockey.

I started covering professional women’s hockey for sports websites, and have been working with a lot of amazing folks to grow the women’s game. But as a cisgender man, I know that this space isn’t one that is directly for me, and I’m always careful to not overstep my bounds. I didn’t feel comfortable in the realm of men’s hockey, but don’t belong in the foreground of women’s hockey.

Before the MGHA, being part of any LGBTQIA+ community was not something I’d ever experienced. I had many supportive friends in college, even a few gay friends, but I was never proud of being gay. I felt that if I wanted to live a normal life — be a successful engineer, love hockey – being gay would have to be a secondary part of my identity at most.

After graduation, I moved to Madison and eventually ended a long-term relationship. It was a pretty low time for me. I lost interest in everything I had once loved. Even hockey was becoming tedious. When NHL players get suspended for using homophobic slurs, you find yourself wondering why such a huge piece of your heart belongs to a sport that at best is indifferent to you, and at worst hates you. It became increasingly difficult to reconcile my passion for hockey with my identity as a gay man.

Then I joined the MGHA. It was amazing to be around so many people who were proud to be queer and proud to love hockey. It was the first time I could be in a locker room and not fear that I was unwelcome. The first time I could play a competitive sport without worrying I wasn’t acting masculine enough. It was something I didn’t know how badly I needed until I found it.

The MGHA helped me finally accept myself, all of myself, and realize that I can be one whole person instead of two halves constantly at odds. Most importantly, the MGHA gave me friends. Friends who I can be my whole self around with no fear of judgment. Friends who invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. Friends who road-tripped with me to Michigan to watch the IIHF Women’s World Championship.  Transgender NWHL player, Harrison Browne, said it best, “You have to be your authentic self to be happy.” I honestly do not know where I would be today if I was not able to find a community of people to help me realize that my passions can live hand in hand with my identity. Thanks to the MGHA I can say, for the first time in my life, I am being my authentic self. I am happy.

I was on a bike ride (2015 ACT Ride for AWRC) when I mentioned to others that I was suffering from some isolation issues and needed to reach out and get more social. Immediately, several other riders informed me about the Madison Gay Hockey Association. I had heard of them but I thought since I had never skated or played hockey, I wouldn’t be welcome. That wasn’t the case. I was invited to join. Not really invited, implored. lol

I joined. Yes, I had a learning curve but I was determined to do something different. I was given a mentor and we embarked on a journey that I can only describe as transformative. I was encouraged, cajoled and gently guided into a space that provided not only acceptance but also a healthy companionship. I was humbled.

Although, I was not as active this first year as I would have liked to be due to some personal health issues, no one disparaged me for that. They instead, rallied behind me and boosted me up and were supportive.

MGHA has given me purpose. It has let me know I do have value even when I doubt that in myself. Another bonus is that I was able to expand my own friendship circle to include members of the LGBTQ community to whom I was not previously exposed. I have a new love of others that I was lacking in the past.

I am a better person, I am more educated and I am more enriched now that I have been accepted as a member of the MGHA and I cannot put a value on that experience. Well, yes, I can. It is priceless. I still have much to learn. I have more skills to gain but this past year has exposed me to more love and acceptance than I have ever had in my previous years of life. No experience has enriched my being more and I hope that I can continue to improve, gain and learn from the people that have come into my life via MGHA to make my existence as beautiful as every person I have met.

I have a new family and it is lovely. (even though I fell down more than skated… I was patted on the back more than I ever was in my previous years of life.)